#Reverb10 - Core Story

Prompt for today:
Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

As I look back on this year, all the changes that I've made, battles that I've won and lost, I realize that my "core story" has very little to do with me. The more I reflect on 2010, the more I see Christ's hand and guidance in my life. In every single thing, big or large, God has graciously provided for me. It's a humbling thing, to look back and realize all of my mistake and failures. I see Christ's mercy when I didn't deserve it. I see God's lovingkindness when I merited nothing but wrath. I see peace where pain and strife used to be.

You see, my story isn't the important one. The gospel, Christ's story, really does. Jesus' sacrifice for my sin has made the most impact, both in this past year and in my life. And as I wrap up 2010, all of my praise goes to the Lord. He alone has sustained and blessed me. I briefly considered writing something about my story or my impact on this year. However, it just doesn't seem to be anything significant. I mean, after all, I've been showered with blessings that I had nothing to do with. I couldn't earn them if I tried.

So in 2011, I eagerly anticipate Christ's direction for my life. A lot of important changes are coming my way, post-grad and such. It's another opportunity to trust in God. It's another challenge to seek things of the Lord. I pray that I rise to such a challenge and honor the Savior that I worship.

(Me and Rachie, picture taken yesterday)

2010? You taught me a lot and, I'll be honest, I'm not sad to see you go.
2011? Bring it on. I'm ready for you!!

#Reverb10 - Gift

Prompt for today:
Gift. This month, gift-giving and gifts can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

I feel as if I've received too many gifts this year. Some were tangible and physical, others spiritual and emotional. One thing is for sure, all good things come from Christ. I've been given so many spiritual gifts through my relationship with Jesus. It really is amazing.

But on a tangible note... I got a Kindle for Christmas! It was at the top of my list because...
A. I love to read
B. If I move overseas next year, I won't be able to take my books with me. Sad!
C. I access to over 1.8 million free and classic titles, provided that they're published before 1928. No copyright infringement! Hollaaa!!
D. Did I mention that I'm a nerd...?

I've begun to christen it by reading "The Swiss Family Robinson".
I wanted something light and fun to relax with over break.
So... that was my big Christmas present.
Thanks, mom and dad!

#Reverb10 - Defining Moment

Prompt for today:
Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or a series of events that has affected your life this year.

Eh... Is it just me or does this prompt sound a little bit repetitive? I feel like I've answered this question at least twice... I almost feel as if I'm expected to have some sort of Lifetime-worthy story or moral here, some pearl of wisdom to pass on to the individual who stumbles on my blog. And I know that there are a lot of you.

I dont view my year in terms of small little bite-sized pieces. I see larger things, goals and battles. Wins and losses. Many of you who frequently lurk on this blog know that through this year, I've undergone some major trial and healing. And yes, sometimes you do have to take each moment at a time. But I prefer to look back and see things in some sort of a larger framework. My life isn't measured in just days or weeks, but in years. Decades even.

Someday, I'll look back on 2010 and I won't see moments. I'll see this as the year that the Lord healed my heart or the year where I faced some of my deepest fears. Moments are great but it really doesn't compare to the larger picture.

#Reverb10 - Achieve

Prompt for today:
Achieve. What's the thing you want most to achieve next year? How do you imagine you'll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

This post is kind of hard to write because it's so personal to me and something that I really really really don't like addressing in any kind of way. My weight. It's something that I've always struggled with, gone up and down. I've had a love/hate relationship with my body from the very beginning. And I can't help but feel a pinch of narcissism as I write this post, because I'm not obese or even really "fat". I'm very very uncomfortable in my own skin. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm at a healthy weight. I should/need to loose around 20-30 lbs to be in a healthy BMI range.

When I read this prompt, the first thing that I really wanted to achieve was control over this battle that I've been fighting for my whole life. It seems that I've always been on a diet, thinking about my body's shape, feeling guilty about exercise... and the list goes on and on. There's always been some kind of dialog related to it. And it's just something uncomfortable to want victory over, like it's my dirty secret or something. But to be honest, I really don't have anything to hide. And the more that I try and act like it's not an issue for me, the worse I end up feeling.

If I could manage and/or win this battle this year, I honestly think that I'll feel relieved. I'm not trying to be some "hot" girl or get attention. What I really want is to be comfortable, not preoccupied with something like this. And it's really difficult to share something like this, because sometimes I feel like I'm just whining, like I want attention or something. But the truth is that I don't, I'm not a big fan of the spot light. I just want to clear the air and address this issue in my life, something that has always quietly been below the surface.

So, in the spirit of the post, and for the new year coming up, I'll just list five ways that will help me to have some sort of handle on this.

1. Joining Weight Watchers, for reals. I need to be accountable to someone other than myself. So, I'm scouting out meetings near UCLA. I don't want any gimmick diets, fads, or crazy ideas. I want real help.

2. Make rising early a priority. Too often, I start my day in a hurry, racing out of the door without breakfast, devotions, etc. In 2011, I want to make rising early a habit, so that I can grab a healthy breakfast, read the Bible, and possibly squeeze in a workout. Often, my workouts aren't scheduled. I just show up at the gym when I think I "need" it. It needs to be routine.

3. Make better choices. Honestly, I don't make horrible choices at all. I'm not a fast-food junkie. But I am a foodie, which means that I do enjoy food in all variations and types. I'm a Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and farmer's market kinda girl. The fresher, the better. I think I just need to, honestly, know when to stop.

4. Know when/where my limits lie. I need some boundaries, in regards to diet and exercise. I need self-control to actually stick to them, instead of just make them. It's really a difficult thing that challenges me everyday.

5. Make prayer a serious part of this endeavor. I can only do so much with my human strength. Sometimes, the best thing that can be done is to admit defeat. The Lord is the one who gives self-control, success, everything. Everything that I have been given (or will lose) is a reflection of God's lovingkindness and care in my life.

#Reverb10 - Ordinary Joy

Prompt for today:
Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

There have been so many little joyful moments this year - having coffee with a friend, reaching the top of the rock wall, satisfied in one's academic achievement. It's really difficult to pinpoint one instance, as if that moment defines my joy for the year. Instead of hashing out all the individual moments, it's easier to tell you what instigated them. First off, I was exceptionally encouraged by my friends at UCLA GOC this year. They've blessed my heart in so many ways. All of my moments with them have been joyful and wonderful.

Another source of joy? Hope in the gospel. It's been so sweet to reflect on God's provision in my life as He shapes me into the woman I'm meant to be. Sometimes, life gets difficult and seemingly dark, but the Lord has always been a wonderful help in times of trouble. And that alone brings so much happiness!

#Reverb10 - Soul Food

Prompt for today:
Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth and touched your soul?

Hmm.... this is a little bit of a tricky question for me, especially because I am a little bit of a foodie. I have had many different meals, all meaning very different things for me. I will say that I had excellent food in France. For me, it was Mecca. I was in heaven there, all the spices, mustards, salts... it was wonderful.

So the place that touched my soul, at least in terms of food, would have to be Paris. Yum.

#Reverb10 - Photo

Prompt for today:

Photo - A Present for yourself. Sift through all the photos of your from the past year. Choose the one that best captures you; either who you are or who you strive to be. Find a shot that is worth a thousand words. Share the image. 

I'm going to share two images of myself. One from the beginning of 2010, one that reminds me of just how the year started. To me, it represents so many things that were bubbling under the surface last year. I had so much pain and strife in my life, so much angst and sorrow. But God, through his grace, showered me with his lovingkindness and healing. This picture perfectly captures the state of my heart at the time, bewildered and just empty. I was so emotionally exhausted from difficult circumstances in my life, there wasn't anything really left to give. I just felt poured out again and again. 

Isn't it amazing what a year can do? 

The second picture is from this summer, taken at Notre Dame in Paris. For me, this picture represents something quite powerful. Even though I don't hold to Catholic doctrine or religion at all, I do appreciate their commitment and dedication to the power of prayer. You may even recognize what is next to me - prayer candles. While I was in Europe, I had the fortune to visit many a cathedral. Many of them had prayer candles. For some reason, this stuck out to me while visiting Notre Dame. While daily prayer was still a part of my life, I actually lit one of these candles and praised the Lord for giving me the opportunity to heal and to travel. I thanked Him for healing me, for bringing me to this place. At the time the first picture was taken, my only prayer was to be able to feel again, to heal my heart. The Lord answered my prayer. And I became cognizant of that fact in Notre Dame, as I reflected on prayers past and present.

So this was my reminder that the Lord really does hear our prayers, big and small. Sometimes he doesn't answer them in the way that we would expect or like. But he does answer them. He does hear us. For me, that comforts me beyond all reason. I prayed for something quite insignificant in the grand scale of things. And the Lord was so gracious to me. I really am so so thankful.

p.s. Merry Christmas to all! I'm going to take time today to meditate on the word made flesh, with the result being Christ's sacrifice for me and my sin. Jesus didn't just come to give us warm fuzzies, he came to break our chains of sin and to set us free. That baby in the manger grew up, with every intention of laying down his life so that I wouldn't have to. And that is the sweetest gift of all.

#Reverb10 - Everything's Okay

Prompt for today:
Everything's Okay. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I really don't think that there were any specific moments in which I knew that "everything" would be okay. And to be realistic, everything in life isn't okay. I think that's the way it's supposed to be. Nothing is ever perfect or figured out. No one has all of their "stuff" together, at least not from where I'm standing.

There's something healthy about being afraid and a wee bit scared. For me, life isn't life without the unknown or some level of uncertainty. I'm a fan of adventure, even if it does scare me.

Sunset tonight in PA. Gorgeous, right? Photo was completely un-retouched.

Ah ! Quel grand mystère !

A new holiday favorite song... a French carol with striking theological accuracy. It really made me think about the humanity of Christ, God made flesh. Amazing. I'm posting the French lyrics, coupled with the English translation. I didn't post the whole song, just verses that I thought were especially noteworthy.

Ah ! Quel grand mystère !  

Ah! Quel grand mystère!

Dieu se fait enfant.

Il descend sur terre,

Lui, le tout-puissant!

C’est bien le Messie,

Roi de l’univers,

Qui nous rend la vie

En brisant nos fers.

Alleluia! Alleluia!

Chantons Noël!

Chantons le Roi du Ciel!

Le grand Roi des anges,


Dieu de majesté,


En de pauvres langes


Est emmailloté.


Tendrement sa Mère


En ses bras le prend,


Puis le montre, fièvre,


À Joseph chantant :

Alleluia! Alleluia!


Chantons Noël!

Chantons le Roi du Ciel!

L’univers en fête


Dieu s’est fait enfant!


L’amour sur la terre


Le plus beau présent.


Les peuples du monde


Veulent pactiser


Devant cette crèche


On les voit chanter :

Alleluia! Alleluia!


Chantons Noël!


Chantons le Roi du Ciel!
 

- - - - - - - - - 

Ah! What a great mystery!
God makes himself a child.
He comes down to the earth,
He, the all-powerful.
He is the Messiah indeed,
King of the universe,
Who gives us back life
By breaking our chains.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Sing we Noel!
Sing we the King of Heaven!

The great King of Angels,
The God of Majesty,
In poor swaddling clothes
Is wrapped.
Tenderly his Mother
Takes him in her arms,
Then proudly shows him
To Joseph singing :

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Sing we Noel!
Sing we the King of Heaven!

The universe in celebration
God has made himself a child!
Love on the Earth,
The most beautiful present!
The peoples of the world
Wish to make peace
Before the manger
We see them singing :

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Sing we Noel!
Sing we the King of Heaven!
 

#Reverb10 - New Name

Prompt for today:
New Name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

Hmm... I never really thought about this before. And to be honest, I really never thought of myself by any other name. Nothing really "fits", except the name that I've been given. I am, and have always been, a Jessica. The only thing that may change is the last name, if I ever do get married. But since that isn't on the table at the moment, I'm just fine with my last name too.

Well...

...It's exactly 5:14 EST and I cannot bring myself to fall asleep. This is the problem with being at my parents' house. I develop an odd holiday insomnia, resulting in superfluous blogging and/or internet surfing. Example: I just wiki-ed cults for the past hour. Phew.

Anyway, I've moved on to kind of "recapping" some photos from my break so far. Let's be honest. The Reverb10 posts are getting kind of lame. At least the month is almost over. I'm really really ready for 2010 to see itself out and for 2011 to start. I have a feeling that it's going to be a very unique and interesting year.
And without any more delay... here are some choice moments for you to check out.

Well... I really can attempt to explain this picture... but I know that I'm gonna fail. You've seen my other post about my cat, Sevy. I failed to mention that our family has two kitties. This little beauty is named Aubrey and she weighs about 10 lbs. And for a cat, that's considered obese. In this pic, she's showing the world just how happy she is to see all of my family members. (That last sentence was rife with sarcasm...)

...just to clarify, she was meowing. Not hissing. We don't hug hissing cats in my family. No no no.

I really wish that you knew how typical this sibling picture is. The four of us are back together... it's been over two years since we were all united like this. It feels good, looks weird. These facial expressions? Nothing out of the ordinary. Just be glad that we're all looking somewhat at the camera.

Another typical family/sibling thing? Abuse. We basically beat up on each other morning, noon, and evening. I get a whole heaping spoonful every time we're together. I can't say that I mind.

And now an actually "normal" picture. My festive decorations, with aide from my sister Rachel. I'm a sucker for white Christmas lights. Can't you tell? This year, we've opted for a star atop our tree. This flies in the face of the angel-on-the-top tradition. The change was prompted by: our tree being too tall, my sister (and I) wanting a change, and the angel looking like she needed the year off. I like to say that the star is "guiding my way to my presents"...

And I am most proud of these calorie infused confections. Another late night baking session with the sister. I have to say, it turned out most well. DIY Chocolate Covered Candy Cane Joe Joe's anyone? (Woah alliteration.) Yum.


More pictures to come later. Be prepared for more crazy. Sheesh.

#Reverb10 - Travel

Prompt for today:
Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

Well, 2010 was a year of travel for sure. At the present, I'm based out of Los Angeles. I'm a student there and my life, for the moment, is at UCLA. However, I have traveled quite a bit this year. I was born and raised in the Philadelphia area, so I've flown back and forth for holidays and summer. In the US, I visited Washington DC and Louisville, as well as Palm Springs.

I also had the ability to travel internationally as well. I went to England and France. Specifically, I was in the cities of Stratford-Upon-Avon, London, and Paris. I had a fantastic time and learned so so much. There's nothing more that I love than traveling internationally. It was such a blessing to have this opportunity, something that I savored.

And in 2011, I'm going to try and return. As many know, I'm applying to a teaching program in France. So, we'll see if relocating to Europe is apart of my future. And even if I don't get accepted, I don't see any sort of end to my travel plans. I'm even considering some graduate programs in England. Who knows where I'll end up?

#Reverb10 - Future Self

Prompt for today:
Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? What would you tell yourself 10 years ago?

Future Self to Present:
I would tell myself that I shouldn't be so worried, that life won't be so complicated as I like to believe that it is. I'm making big decisions and yes, they will change my life. But they won't define me. My life is much more than a graduate degree or an address on a letter. I would like it to include a husband and family, hopefully one day. But in five years, almost anything can happen. I think I'd tell myself to be more flexible, to roll with the punches and enjoy the small things in life.

Honestly, life is complicated enough without adding my worries into it. I think I need to enjoy the ride from time to time, stopping to savor fleeting moments as they run by.

Present self to 13-year old Jessica:
(sigh) Grow up. Life gets better and you'll find people who "get" it. You'll hit your stride in college, I promise.

Santa's Little Helper

This is my cat, Sevy. 

She feigns interest in my Christmas wrapping. 

But what really happens is that she'll just relax and nap as I toil.

I'm not kidding. She'll seriously nap.

 (sigh) 

#Reverb10 - Beyond Avoidance

Prompt for today:
Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were to scared, worried, unsure, busy, or otherwise deterred from doing?

Hmm... I don't really look at my year in terms of things that I was too scared to do. Usually, I'm a pretty brave person. If there's something that I want to try, I'll do it. But I will say this, I think that I was a lot less consistent with my Bible reading than usual, due to a high volume of school work. It really is a horrible habit, something that doesn't benefit my spiritual life at all. So in 2011, I want to make it even more of a priority.

Disclaimer: I know this post is short. It's Christmas. (yawn)

#Reverb10 - Healing

Prompt for today:
Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I know the answer to that question. The one and only reason that I am healed comes through the power of Christ's blood for me. Without my Savior, I am lost and nothing. Jesus didn't just come to heal my heartaches and sad days, he came to save me from the power of sin and death. So in a sense, Christ healed me through his mercy and lovingkindness, via the Church and wonderful Godly friends. But He did a much greater thing for me when He laid down his life for me, a sinner. I did nothing to deserve his grace and mercy. In fact, I was running the other way! But God saw fit to save me, even from myself. Sacrificially, He gave his Son to be the eternal payment for my sins, my wrongs, my transgressions. Because of Christ's overwhelming love and sacrifice, I have peace with God. I have freedom from sin and death. I have power over the grave, through Jesus.

So, friends. This is healing. It's not a yoga class or some goddess weekend camping in the woods. Healing isn't introspection or reading more intuitive books. It doesn't come with human affections. Healing isn't permanent, at least not the kind that people can offer. The only true healing comes from Christ Jesus, through what He did at Calvary. The goal of my life is to reflect this truth, to share His mercy and grace in my life in every facet of my being. By becoming a slave for Christ, I have more freedom than I ever thought possible.

And as for 2011 and the years to come, I am confident that Christ reigns supreme over all. He has showered my life with lovingkindness in 2010, showing me his mercy. I have no reason to doubt him. So I step into this new year amazed and grateful. Praise the Lord!

#Reverb10 - Try

Prompt for today:
Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something that you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you went for it?

In 2010, I tried something new, something that I've always wanted to try but never really got around to it. I got into the sport of rock-climbing and bouldering. This sport had been really intriguing to me in the past and I really respected the people who climbed often. They seemed so strong, treating their bodies and nature with respect. I know that sounds a little bit crunchy... but I really think that being in nature, coupled with some awesome exercise looked appealing.

So, I tried it. At UCLA, there's an amazing indoor rock wall that is free to all students. In order to use it, you have to take an introductory class for a few hours. So, I decided to be brave and enrolled. As a result, I learned some amazing tricks, tips, climbing knots, and got to know some friends at the wall. From then on, I got belay certified (a type of climbing certification) and began climbing a few times a week. I even got a little bag of chalk to hang around my waist, to give my hands some traction on the wall! (See? I'm totally legit now!) Unfortunately, I haven't gone climbing in over five weeks, with the craziness of finals, papers, and traveling. Hopefully when I get back to school, I'll get back into the swing of things.

As for 2011, I really want to experiment more with photography. As many of you know, I dabble in professional photography. I've shot weddings, families, couples, etc. But that's been on the back burner for a while, due to the demands of school. It's really a shame, because I really do love it. In 2011, I really want to try shooting with film. I mean, I know how to and I've done it in the past. But I want to make it even more of an emphasis. I especially like black and white film, its depth and texture. And who knows, maybe I'll post some film up here some time.

#Reverb10 - Lesson Learned

Prompt for today:
Lesson Learned. What was the best thing that you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I have to say, I honestly learned that I was fragile in 2010. All of my life, I've been called the "strong one" and was told that I had a thick skin, that I was a tough girl. I believed it too. I managed to move through life pretty unaffected by various and sundry things. I wasn't one to show my vulnerability or my scars. I believed that life wasn't about crying or being sad. Getting up and dusting yourself off was just easier. In fact, my motto for life was "just keep it simple, stupid". And I honestly thought I could sustain that kind of a pace.

This past year, I learned that my emotions had limitations and boundaries. As hard as I tried, I couldn't just "get up" and "move along". Honestly, I've cried more this year than I ever have before in my life - this coming from a girl who never really cried or got emotional over anything. Ever. I never thought I'd be the type to have a heartbreak or crushing defeat but there I stood, a 22 year old junior in college, feeling a very real emotional rift. All of my emotional walls came tumbling down with a bang. The measures that I had put in place to protect myself caved in.

And you know what? It was a good thing. I learned that I have limitations, that I feel pain and emotions more deeply than I realized. It took years and years of building up barriers and they were knocked down in an instant. It's a frightening thing, a vulnerable feeling, to be so exposed to someone. But it's a healing thing and a positive thing at the same time. I've learned that being transparent, especially to my girlfriends, is a wonderful gift. To have people that I trust, that means so much to me! Being vulnerable isn't always being weak. Sometimes when you show your weaknesses, it's a sign of strength.

Con-ges-ted

Friends, something has happened to me that hasn't happened in over two years.
I'm sick. And not just feeling crappy. I'm talking sick.
Congestion, sneezing, the works. As I type, I'm laid up on my bed, eating
as much citrus as I can stand and watching reruns of my favorite shows.

But the real reason that I'm writing this post is not to talk about the
fact that I've gone through two boxes of tissues in 24 hours. I want to
talk about one of my greatest tools in getting rid of all the grossness
associated with congestion, the Neti Pot.

It looks like a mini teapot. Fill it with warm water, add a pinch of salt.
Now here comes the "gross" part. You have to insert the spout of the pot
into the nostril, tilt the head, and let the water drain through the sinus cavity.
I know... it doesn't sound very appealing. And let's be honest, it isn't.
But the benefits far outweigh the ick factor.

This tool came recommended to me by a good friend. I was skeptical at first but this
cold has made me a believer. Take it from me. The next time you get sick, invest
$15 and make your experience a whole lot more bearable.

#Reverb10 - Friendship

Prompt for Today:
Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was the change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I'm kind of torn how to answer this prompt. I have really godly, amazing, beautiful girlfriends who have gone above and beyond in my book, who deserve blog posts all their own. And I love them. I really really do. But sometimes, the lack of a friendship changes everything, in both positive and negative ways. Those who are close to me know the specific ways in which I have been affected by this. There are things that I'm not going to mention publicly, but working through a lot of issues of this nature has taught me a lot.

In some way, you never really get over the loss of a friend. I'm not referring to a physical death, but the end of the relationship. And it's changed my perspective by making me realize that the Lord is a constant companion and friend who never leaves or forsakes. This year has taught me to have joy in pain, peace in all circumstances. I learned to rest my heart in the promises of the gospel. I'm not going to say that I'm angry or that I'm hateful or bitter - I'm none of those things. I see that the Lord has everything in my life for good. Sometimes, it's just time to walk away, never look back, and trust that God has the future perfectly planned.

The change in loosing a friend is both immediate and drawn out. In some ways, it's like dealing with an actual physical death. There is separation, there is a sense of loss. You grieve. But there are things that linger, things that take time to pass. Most of this process is about waiting it out. You ride the waves of emotion until the storm passes. You pray for strength in days that you don't feel like leaving the comfort of your bed. You rejoice in the littlest of blessings that come your way. Every day has its own trials, unique and new.

I'm not going to say that I don't think about the situation from time to time or wish that it had gone differently. But it is what it is. I can't change the past, I can't keep playing the "what-if" game. To be honest, I think the Lord was gracious and kind to me in allowing this friendship to dissolve. The Lord shows his kindness through means that sometimes aren't "obvious" as you're going through them. When I look back on what has transpired, I feel gratitude that I'm not in that situation anymore, feeling the way that I did. Now, I mean in no way to put down the individual of whom I speak, as that person was (and is, in some way) a huge part of my life. But the time had come, as much as I resisted it. I hold no ill will at all. Actually, I want their life to be bigger, better, brighter, more full of blessings. I want them to be happy, really truly happy. For this person, I want only good things.

So yeah. Friendship changes things, in different sorts of ways. Sometimes, the most horrible and nightmare-ish circumstances work out the glory of God. It's funny how life works out. You'd think that at age 23, I'd have some sort of grip on it. I'm quickly finding out that my knowledge is incredibly limited. Somehow, that's a comforting thought.

Louisville Lovin'

I had a little pre-holiday adventure in Louisville, visiting my best K and her daughter R.
My trip started off very much like this...

Early morning, greeting me after finishing all my finals.

A welcome sight, indeed. 

Followed by a ride in what I affectionately referred to 

as the "toothpaste tube". Tiny plane. 

Apparently, my plane was delayed for no real reason on the runway.

This is how I felt about it.

But soon, I was rewarded with this lovely introductory

view of Louisville. Definitely a wonderful place to explore.

So the trip was completely worth it to see K and R, 

who is quite limber when a piano is involved.

Please look at the cute kiddo, not my crazy hair.

But isn't she cuddly?

Most favorites.

I had a great time, hanging out with K and R. We laughed, cried, encouraged, convicted, and praised the Lord for all the blessings in our lives. I'm praying as his will unfolds in the future. I'm blessed with an amazingly great friendship. And K, I know you read this. I love you lots.

#Reverb10 - 5 Minutes

Prompt for today:
5 Minutes. Imagine you will lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember at 2010.

To be honest, there's a lot of stuff that I want to forget about 2010. If I had an erase button, I'd totally use it. But what I do want to remember is this: the Lord is always faithful and He always keeps his promises. I want to remember my trip to England and Paris. So... those are some highlights.

Well... I take that back. I don't want to erase all of my healing in 2010. Now 2009.... I wish I could erase THAT year. Ugh. Too much emotional stuff went down. Glad it's all over and done with. Nails are in the coffin and life is looking a whole lot less painful/strained/angsty. So... the Lord does wonderful things through (sometimes) painful means. It's amazing to look back, seeing my heart in retrospect. God is gracious, lemme tell ya.

#Reverb10 - Appreciate

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

This year has been really difficult for me, for a variety of reasons. There have been ups and downs, trials and victories, tears and laughter. Even through the saddest days, I have been learning to appreciate what is my most constant source of joy: the gospel. 

The Lord has been so wonderfully gracious to me through this past year, shown me his lovingkindness even though I was undeserving. I can truly say that his year has brought me to a sweet place of dependence upon the Lord, in reference to future and all the myriad of changes that it will bring. But to fully appreciate the gospel is to understand it, something that I have yet to completely encapsulate. 

The flip side of appreciation is to express gratitude. Sometimes I rack my brain, how does one show gratitude for lovingkindness such as that? How can I even begin to say "thank you" to the Lord for all the gifts that I have received?

The answer is (kinda) simple. I just try. Everyday, I aim to give my savior the glory and honor he deserves. And I fail. Miserably. But my grateful heart isn't dependent in perfect worship. It's reactionary. And even though I don't give God perfect worship, the point is that I try. And even in my imperfections, I am able to see more clearly the loving heart of my heavenly Father, who covers my sin with Christ's blood. And that is worth all the praise in the world. 

#Reverb10 - Action

Prompt for today:

Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I’ve always been an “action” sort of girl. If something needs to get done, I’m going to (try) and do it. Take school, for example. If a paper’s due, I’ll start writing it 4 weeks before the due date. There's something about crossing that finish line with time to spare... It's a great feeling. But in general, I like to think that I have a pretty decent response to things that need to “get done”.

But ideas, those are different things. Ideas don’t have a “due date” or any particular sort of measurable beginning. It’s up to me to make these ideas into some sort of tangible reality. When I think of a great idea like my career path or goals for the future, things can get a little bit overwhelming. These are huge ideas, goals, aspirations, etc with no determinable "path". I begin by determining what the goal is. I also try to determine the most important parts of this particular goal. Then, I make a plan. And the most difficult part? I have to stick to the plan and just do it.

But that only goes so far. Without the help and guidance of the Lord, I can't do anything. He plans my steps and they may be different from the ones that I'd have chosen for myself. And sometimes, those plans are better than anything I could have possibly dreamed of. 

#Reverb10 - Body Integration

Prompt for today:
Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but a simply cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I'm not too sure about "cohesive body experiences", but I do have an instance of being very aware of my body. This school year, I've taken up rock climbing and bouldering. There's a rock gym on campus, free of charge for students. I think the experience of bouldering has allowed me to have a greater understanding and appreciation of what my body is capable of. It really is amazing to watch the body at work in this situation. I've been finding out that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. And as for "oneness", I know that in the moments that I'm climbing, everything else fades and it's just me and the wall. It's easy to get sucked into the sport, leaving 3 hours later.

And to be honest, I haven't been able to go climbing the past few weeks like I've wanted to. Classes were tough and all of my "free" time was consumed. So after break, I hope to get back into the swing ofthings. It's fantastic exercise and doesn't feel repetitive or boring. And bonus: you get some killer arm muscles.

#Reverb10 - 11 Things

Prompt for today:

11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will  getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Instead of writing 11 things that I don't need. I'm going to list 11 things that I do need.

And... this prompt just begs for a actual list. Who am I to deny it?

1. Cultivation of trust in the Lord

2. Joy in the Gospel

3. Love for Christ and his Church

4. Mindfulness of time, in reference to prayer and devotions

5. Heart to serve my friends and family

6. Self-control, in reference to health and exercise

7. A habit of waking early

8. Excitement for the future

9. Heavenly perspective

10. Academic fervor, I don't want Senioritis!

11. An unending supply of Double Stuf Oreos.

I'm just kidding about number 11... sorta... but the things that I need in 2011 don't really depend on me or my strength/willpower. The Lord is the giver of all gifts. He knows what we need, even before we ask! So, there's nothing I, in and of myself, can "do" to accomplish all of these. And as far as changing my life, you be the judge. =)

#Reverb10 - Wisdom

Prompt for today:
Wisdom. What was the wisest decision this year and how did it play out?

I have made a lot of decisions this year, a lot of really difficult and challenging ones. I've taken some big risks and learned some tough lessons. But the best lesson, the sweetest one, was learning to trust the Lord in really painful times. I made the decision to have joy in the gospel and in Christ's sacrifice for me at the cross. The result? I know that the Lord is always faithful. He shows his character and lovingkindness, even at our weakest points. The decision to trust in the Lord is wise because God is the only one who truly keeps his promises. In fact, he knows us better than we know ourselves.

That, friends, is love. And I don't claim to be wise in and of myself. Anything I have is Christ's.

#Reverb10 - Party

Prompt for today:
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, shenanigans, drinks, and clothes.

Hmmm... the funnest party would have to be while I was in England this summer. There's not too much to tell; just good friends, delicious cider, and talking in a pub built around 13-14th century.

#Reverb10 - Beautifully Different

Prompt for today:
Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

Honestly, I'm not the best judge of what makes me "different". But what I think makes me different is my attitude towards life. To me, the world is something that needs to be explored and savored. I'm not afraid to travel, to get outside of my comfort zone, to taste and smell cultures that differ from my own. I've said for years that the best feeling is to "be a fish out of water". It's true. One of my favorite things is inserting myself in a different culture and learning to adapt. Now, I haven't lived out of the US at all and hopefully that will change in a year, but traveling also affords me this opportunity.

I'm not scared of my future. I'm not afraid of experiencing odd things. I'm not worried about little things that paralyze people with fear. To be honest, being independent has been a huge part of my life. I've learned that beauty comes from the inside, from your heart. How you interact with the world and the people around you displays the beauty of personality.

The thing that makes me live without fear is the fact that Christ has my future. As I journey through life and experience a plethora of things, I know for certain that my steps have been planned. As a child of God, I have the security of heaven and eternal communion with Christ. And friends, that is beyond anything that this world and her bounty can afford. The joy of the Lord isn't something that comes with happiness in life - it comes by understanding the Gospel and Christ's sacrifice to call us his beloved. This joy and this gospel gives me true freedom in life and the peace in my soul.

#Reverb10 - Community

Prompt for today:
Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I would have to say that I have grown quite fond of UCLA GOC this year. The process has been difficult, as I transitioned from a small and intimate fellowship group. I didn't know anybody when I first started at UCLA GOC and the group was really really big. I felt a little swallowed up. But the Lord has been gracious to me, allowing my brothers and sisters in Christ to encourage me in many awesome ways. It's been amazing to see the church at work in my life. God has been drawing me nearer to himself by using my "uncomfortable"transition. It's honestly been so encouraging to watch.

And in 2011, I hope to continue growing with them. For as long as I'm at UCLA and at Grace, I want to serve and love them with my whole heart. It's been so wonderful to have friends that love Christ and are committed to him. It's been such an encouragement and conviction to my heart. So thankful!

Reverb10: Make

Prompt for today:
Make. What was the last thing that you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make but need to clear some time for it?

Hmm. I don't really make anything specific. The closest thing that I can think of is food. If you know anything about me, (which you should by now) you'll understand that I am a foodie. I love cooking in any and all forms. I love trying new things with obscure recipes and ingredients. I try to re-create dishes that I love or that I think I can improve upon. In my kitchen, I treat it like a laboratory and I'm the crazy scientist.

That being said, I make food all the time. Every day, I'm trying something different. Or at least, I attempt to. Sometimes my schedule gets muddy (cough finals cough) and I don't really get to stretch out like I'd prefer to. One culinary everest for me: the elusive macaron. I have tried at least 3 times to get this recipe right, but to no avail. These cookies are temperamental and require so so much.

That being said, I have failed with these cookies multiple times. And to be honest, I'm not really used to culinary failure. The last disaster in the kitchen? Burning grilled cheese for a handsome gentlemen and setting the fire alarm off. The only reason I burned it was due to the fact that I was nervous/excited to see him. (My hands were shaking.) So yeah... I was definitely humbled by my defeat by macarons.

So... I need some time (summer) to really experiment. I also may need to buy all the eggs in the grocery store in order to do that... the jury's still out.

My Best Deal Ever

Ohhhh Ladies. I have dipped my toes into the fabulousness that is Ebay.
I have just purchased something that is worth over $350+ for just
twenty five dollars. Yes. You have heard that correctly. And what
did I buy? Something that I have had my eyes on for quite some time.
A Bobbi Brown set of makeup brushes. Swoon.
Let's just put it this way: there's twelve brushes in the kit that I bought.
They're worth $20-40 a piece. There's no way that a starving student
like me would be able to afford them.

Normally, I try to avoid math like the plague. But when I calculated my savings (93%!!!)
via Ebay, the offer was too good to pass on. For reals. Math doesn't lie. This purchase
and subsequent glee officially establishes me as one of the girliest girls ever.
But, it's a label that I'm pretty okay accepting.

Bobbi Brown Makeup Brushes. 

Please bear with me while I squeal in girlish delight because:

A. I got something that I really wanted 

B. I got an amazing deal (!!!!!!)

C. I wanted a "I'm almost over the hump" present for myself as a reward finishing my finals, 20 page papers, (yes. plural.) and other miscellaneous academic torture devices. 

So there you have it. Ebay. My first time using it. Now, definitely not my last. 

Reverb10: Let Go

Prompt for today:
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Wow. This prompt really hit close to home, almost too close. I'm not so sure that I feel comfortable saying this on a blog or even really talking about it too much these days. But let's just say that some relationships and friendships aren't meant to last forever, as much as you'd like them to. There is pain, there are tears. But more than that, I think the Lord is teaching me patience and that He has my ultimate best in mind.

It really doesn't matter what happened or who said what, but I know that my future is secure because of what Lord is doing in my life. I've gone through many dark days in this past year and I've been healing in wonderful ways. God has been using his Church and the saints to minister to my weary heart. And for that, I really am so very thankful.


Check out Reverb10.com for more info and how YOU can start blogging!

Reverb10: Wonder

Prompt for today:
Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

I think that this year, I decided to savor every moment. To be honest, my time in Los Angeles is coming rapidly to an end. I realize that these blessings that I currently enjoy won't be around forever. I'm taking time to enjoy the small things: my church, my friends, the city that I love. And this turns into a sense of wonder. I become thankful for all of the ways that the Lord has worked mightily in my life. I even find joy in academics, as difficult as it might be at times. My life doesn't seem so small and my problems don't appear as unconquerable.

Blog at www.reverb10.com
Check it out!

Happy Hanukkah!

I'm just gonna break up all the "sharing" and "emotions" of the current blogroll

to show you guys a pretty funny video. In honor of Hanukkah, I'd just like to

wish all of my Jewish readers a wonderful holiday! And eh... that kinda includes

me! But I'll be celebrating back at home, making Latkes and Matzo Ball Soup with

my dad. Hopefully, I'll be able to share these recipes with you guys. Yum!

Since I'm not home yet and since I'm not really "celebrating" Hanukkah,

I thought I'd bring you a little holiday cheer via this parody. I laughed,

hope you will too!

Happy Hanukkah!

Reverb10: Moment

Prompt for today:
Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.

To be honest, I have had many "alive" moments during this year. Most of which happened in the context of academics. There's little to compare with the satisfaction of a job well done, or an excellent meeting with a professor. Some of my "alive" moments occur when I walk home, listening to my iPod and enjoying the sunset or beautiful day. To be honest, feeling alive doesn't always have the connotation of happiness or light. Sometimes what makes us human is the ability to feel pain or loss.

But one wonderful moment in particular happened in London. I remember it for a few reasons. This particular moment was one of anticipation and optimism in the purest form. I was in England for a study abroad trip. At this particular moment, I had finished my final. It was my final day/night in London. I handed in my final to my TA and decided to take a little walk. The streets were busy and bustling, as it was midday. I took a deep breath and took it all in - the sights, sounds, colors, texture of this city. I realized that my hard work was behind me, for the time being. I also knew that my trip to Paris would happen the next day. I remember that moment because I felt so free and so optimistic. All of the heaviness of the past just seemed to evaporate. There was no sorrow, no pressure, nothing at all. Just peace. I knew that good days were ahead.

And, to be honest, they were. The good days continue even still. I think this is because I'm looking at the things that are to come. And the future seems so much brighter than my past.

(Check out Reverb10 to get started on your own blogging adventure!)

Reverb10: Writing

Prompt: Writing. 
What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?


To be honest, there isn't too much that's special to write about in my life. I mean, I blog about my school work, my recipes and cooking, videos and the like. Unlike many successful bloggers, I haven't found my niche. I've been lurking on the sites of mommy bloggers, wedding blogs, natural birth activists, and ladies who promote biblical womanhood. The difference between those guys and me is that they all have a topic, a common theme that permeates all of their entries. I'm pretty sure that in the future, I'm going to have something to write about. After all, there's a possibility that I'll be moving to France next year. If that doesn't say "niche", I don't know what does. But as for my consistent blogging, I think that I'm pretty decent. So... there's no "reason" that I'm not writing as often as I'd like. I just think that I need more time. As far as daily inspiration, I have no idea. Life is going to unfold and this blog will, hopefully, reflect that.

Reverb10: Change & Rebirth

I signed up for a blogging challenge for the month of December at Reverb. Basically, the premise is that they give you a prompt each day of  December and you blog about it. Sounds cool, yeah? I'm going to give it my best shot! 
Here's the prompt for today (December 1): 
One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?


2010 - Change. 
This year has completely turned my world upside down. I have been pushed out of my comfort zone in so many different ways, academically, spiritually, relationally. The things that I thought were solid, weren't. I've gained friends, I've lost friends, I've traveled to Europe, I've written papers, I've cried more than I ever have in my entire life, and I've laughed so hard that I've cried. But through all of it - the sleepless nights and early mornings, the Lord has been faithful and merciful to me. I have been able to see true joy. There is something precious that comes with pondering and meditating on the salvation that I have been given through Christ. Even in my darkest hours (and there were many), I have seen the peace of the gospel and the lovingkindness of the Lord. So yes... change definitely describes my 2010. It's been a difficult transition, but one that I'm ultimately thankful for.


2011 - Rebirth.
This may sound like an odd term, but I believe that my life truly is going to change within this year. I'm graduating from UCLA, I'll be (Lord-willing) moving to France, applying for graduate schools, etc. So many key pieces of my life are going to be moving. In a way, I feel as if my whole existence is going to be shifted, reborn. I'm can't wait to see the way that the Lord provides for me as my future unravels. It's exciting to anticipate all the changes, as big and scary as they may seem. I'm confidant that the Lord will guide me in the right directions. He is a wonderful Father, and I am a beloved child. 

Best Knock-Knock Joke Ever

Person A: Knock Knock!

Person B: Who's there?

Person A: Whom or.

Person B: Whom or who?

Person A: Who.

Bahahahaha! I love nerd jokes like this! 

P.S.

I know that you read my blog.

How about some comments to prove it?

Hmm? =)

My Amazon Bounty

Today was Black Friday. In my world, that means "buy books for steep discounts on Amazon.com". Well, I did just that. Here's my purchases as of today! Yippeee!

Auden is one of my favorite poets - ever. I just

love his style and poetic graces. He's also a wonderful

literary critic, if you're in the market for that kind of stuff.

I'm also taking a 20th century poetry class next quarter,

where we'll get to look at his stuff in depth. Exciting!

This book is written by one of my favorite professors ever, Dr. Deutsch.

She's going to be my faculty mentor on my undergraduate thesis

where I'll be writing about (surprise!) Dr. Johnson. I'm

so excited about this opportunity to work with her and

to learn from her. She's just awesome.

Nothing strikes fear into the heart of an English major like preparing

for the literature subject test GRE. It's one of those tests that's

not designed to be mastered, but survived. Basically, I'm responsible

for the whole scope of British/American Literature. So,

I'm trying to get an early start.

Yikes.

I love Virginia Woolf's fiction.

I love reading famous diaries.

Awesome.

I've fallen in love with Pessoa's easy, relaxed, and open style of writing.

His poems read like music. Since I love his poetry, I'm hoping

the same will be with this book, published post-humously.

There you have it folks! My Black Friday deals!

Thanksgiving

I don't want to be cliché about the holiday of Thanksgiving. In the United States, this day revolves around family, friends, and food. But for the Christian, there is so much more wrapped up in a day that calls us to remember and to have grateful hearts.

It's an easy thing, to go around the table and say what we "are thankful for". But the one thing that I'm really thankful for, I can't even put into words. I'm thankful for my salvation.

I'm thankful that the Lord, seeing my wicked and dark heart, loved me first. I'm thankful that Christ came to this earth, lived a sinless life, and died in my place. I'm thankful for the promise that I have because Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice. I'm thankful that death doesn't have any power over my life or future. I'm thankful that Christ has built his church, and continues to do so today.

These. These are the things that this holiday comes to mind. While of course I am so thankful for family and friends, I encourage you to look at your spiritual state. If you are a believer, you have so much reason for celebration and joy. If you are an unbeliever, you can have this overflowing joy, a joy that isn't contingent on people or things. This peace is only found through one source - Christ Jesus.

Sometimes, the things that we're the most thankful for are the most difficult things to even describe or comprehend.

Finals and Papers and Quizzes, oh my!

Well, it's that time of the year again...

Finals.

It's the time that strikes fear/panic/doubt/crazy into the heart of any undergraduate or graduate student. It's also a time to nail down any loose ends during the quarter. That being said, my blog updates are going to be a wee bit scarce until they're all over.

I have a myriad of things that need to be accomplished: including a 20 page term paper, 15 page final, French grammar final, completion of French TA application... That's the short list. Please join me in prayer as I set forth with these tasks, knowing full well that my only source of real strength comes from Christ Jesus.

As much as I feel overwhelmed and nervous about the days/work ahead of me, I find comfort in the fact that my Heavenly Father has my future in His hands. My life truly is hid in Christ and that is one of the most bolstering encouragements to my weary heart. Praise the Lord for the gift of education, but it definitely is a gift worth working for. Please pray that the Lord would give me a diligent, worker's heart - that I may serve Him with my talents and abilities. No knowledge or wisdom originates from me, I am a mere reflection of the Maker's hands.

So with that thought...

I'm off to study!

See you guys soon!

I hope...

Hello

...just a song to make you guys smile.

Enjoy!

Martin Solveig Feat. Dragonette - "Hello"

Dreaming of: Kathmandu

I've decided to dedicate this post to a place where I very much want to visit someday: Kathmandu, Nepal. I've always dreamed of visiting this city due to the gorgeous surroundings and unique Nepalese culture. To be honest, a big draw is because it is so different than any other city in the world. There's so many colors, smells, peoples, religions, etc. It's like a big mixture of old and new, east and west. So, enjoy the beautiful pictures of the vibrant city.

Hopefully, I can someday share my own pictures of this gorgeous place!

Music

Lately, this song has been really encouraging to my heart.

Click on the link and take a listen, if you have a moment to spare.

I'm also posting a little bit of the lyrics too. I don't know about

you, but Relient K lyrics have been really sweet and soothing to

my soul during my heavy school/life days. If you don't know

anything about the band, I suggest that you check out their

website. But, I really love their acoustic stuff. It's great.

And their lyrics are pretty thought provoking.

Anyway, click the link that I provided and

take a listen!

Relient K - "Up and Up" (Acoustic Version)

Yesterday was not quite what it could've been,
as were most of all the days before.
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in,
I'll be trying to make it so much more

'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see.
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
and the life there at the end is where I'll be.

'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up.
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of.
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you,
a better version of me for you.