#Reverb10 - Review

As many of you guys know, I've participated in a blogging challenge for the month of December, called Reverb10. It gives you a prompt every day, reflecting on the past year. I've really enjoyed thinking critically through the events of this past year, how I've grown and been challenged. In retrospect, I've really enjoyed reflecting on the grace and mercy of the Lord through some stormy waters in 2010. So, to recap my experience with Reverb10, I've decided to post my top 5 favorite posts. Peruse at your leisure and feel free to leave me some comments! 

Body Integration

Appreciate

Friendship

Try

Achieve

#Reverb10 - Core Story

Prompt for today:
Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

As I look back on this year, all the changes that I've made, battles that I've won and lost, I realize that my "core story" has very little to do with me. The more I reflect on 2010, the more I see Christ's hand and guidance in my life. In every single thing, big or large, God has graciously provided for me. It's a humbling thing, to look back and realize all of my mistake and failures. I see Christ's mercy when I didn't deserve it. I see God's lovingkindness when I merited nothing but wrath. I see peace where pain and strife used to be.

You see, my story isn't the important one. The gospel, Christ's story, really does. Jesus' sacrifice for my sin has made the most impact, both in this past year and in my life. And as I wrap up 2010, all of my praise goes to the Lord. He alone has sustained and blessed me. I briefly considered writing something about my story or my impact on this year. However, it just doesn't seem to be anything significant. I mean, after all, I've been showered with blessings that I had nothing to do with. I couldn't earn them if I tried.

So in 2011, I eagerly anticipate Christ's direction for my life. A lot of important changes are coming my way, post-grad and such. It's another opportunity to trust in God. It's another challenge to seek things of the Lord. I pray that I rise to such a challenge and honor the Savior that I worship.

(Me and Rachie, picture taken yesterday)

2010? You taught me a lot and, I'll be honest, I'm not sad to see you go.
2011? Bring it on. I'm ready for you!!

#Reverb10 - Gift

Prompt for today:
Gift. This month, gift-giving and gifts can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

I feel as if I've received too many gifts this year. Some were tangible and physical, others spiritual and emotional. One thing is for sure, all good things come from Christ. I've been given so many spiritual gifts through my relationship with Jesus. It really is amazing.

But on a tangible note... I got a Kindle for Christmas! It was at the top of my list because...
A. I love to read
B. If I move overseas next year, I won't be able to take my books with me. Sad!
C. I access to over 1.8 million free and classic titles, provided that they're published before 1928. No copyright infringement! Hollaaa!!
D. Did I mention that I'm a nerd...?

I've begun to christen it by reading "The Swiss Family Robinson".
I wanted something light and fun to relax with over break.
So... that was my big Christmas present.
Thanks, mom and dad!

#Reverb10 - Defining Moment

Prompt for today:
Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or a series of events that has affected your life this year.

Eh... Is it just me or does this prompt sound a little bit repetitive? I feel like I've answered this question at least twice... I almost feel as if I'm expected to have some sort of Lifetime-worthy story or moral here, some pearl of wisdom to pass on to the individual who stumbles on my blog. And I know that there are a lot of you.

I dont view my year in terms of small little bite-sized pieces. I see larger things, goals and battles. Wins and losses. Many of you who frequently lurk on this blog know that through this year, I've undergone some major trial and healing. And yes, sometimes you do have to take each moment at a time. But I prefer to look back and see things in some sort of a larger framework. My life isn't measured in just days or weeks, but in years. Decades even.

Someday, I'll look back on 2010 and I won't see moments. I'll see this as the year that the Lord healed my heart or the year where I faced some of my deepest fears. Moments are great but it really doesn't compare to the larger picture.

#Reverb10 - Achieve

Prompt for today:
Achieve. What's the thing you want most to achieve next year? How do you imagine you'll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

This post is kind of hard to write because it's so personal to me and something that I really really really don't like addressing in any kind of way. My weight. It's something that I've always struggled with, gone up and down. I've had a love/hate relationship with my body from the very beginning. And I can't help but feel a pinch of narcissism as I write this post, because I'm not obese or even really "fat". I'm very very uncomfortable in my own skin. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm at a healthy weight. I should/need to loose around 20-30 lbs to be in a healthy BMI range.

When I read this prompt, the first thing that I really wanted to achieve was control over this battle that I've been fighting for my whole life. It seems that I've always been on a diet, thinking about my body's shape, feeling guilty about exercise... and the list goes on and on. There's always been some kind of dialog related to it. And it's just something uncomfortable to want victory over, like it's my dirty secret or something. But to be honest, I really don't have anything to hide. And the more that I try and act like it's not an issue for me, the worse I end up feeling.

If I could manage and/or win this battle this year, I honestly think that I'll feel relieved. I'm not trying to be some "hot" girl or get attention. What I really want is to be comfortable, not preoccupied with something like this. And it's really difficult to share something like this, because sometimes I feel like I'm just whining, like I want attention or something. But the truth is that I don't, I'm not a big fan of the spot light. I just want to clear the air and address this issue in my life, something that has always quietly been below the surface.

So, in the spirit of the post, and for the new year coming up, I'll just list five ways that will help me to have some sort of handle on this.

1. Joining Weight Watchers, for reals. I need to be accountable to someone other than myself. So, I'm scouting out meetings near UCLA. I don't want any gimmick diets, fads, or crazy ideas. I want real help.

2. Make rising early a priority. Too often, I start my day in a hurry, racing out of the door without breakfast, devotions, etc. In 2011, I want to make rising early a habit, so that I can grab a healthy breakfast, read the Bible, and possibly squeeze in a workout. Often, my workouts aren't scheduled. I just show up at the gym when I think I "need" it. It needs to be routine.

3. Make better choices. Honestly, I don't make horrible choices at all. I'm not a fast-food junkie. But I am a foodie, which means that I do enjoy food in all variations and types. I'm a Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and farmer's market kinda girl. The fresher, the better. I think I just need to, honestly, know when to stop.

4. Know when/where my limits lie. I need some boundaries, in regards to diet and exercise. I need self-control to actually stick to them, instead of just make them. It's really a difficult thing that challenges me everyday.

5. Make prayer a serious part of this endeavor. I can only do so much with my human strength. Sometimes, the best thing that can be done is to admit defeat. The Lord is the one who gives self-control, success, everything. Everything that I have been given (or will lose) is a reflection of God's lovingkindness and care in my life.

#Reverb10 - Ordinary Joy

Prompt for today:
Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

There have been so many little joyful moments this year - having coffee with a friend, reaching the top of the rock wall, satisfied in one's academic achievement. It's really difficult to pinpoint one instance, as if that moment defines my joy for the year. Instead of hashing out all the individual moments, it's easier to tell you what instigated them. First off, I was exceptionally encouraged by my friends at UCLA GOC this year. They've blessed my heart in so many ways. All of my moments with them have been joyful and wonderful.

Another source of joy? Hope in the gospel. It's been so sweet to reflect on God's provision in my life as He shapes me into the woman I'm meant to be. Sometimes, life gets difficult and seemingly dark, but the Lord has always been a wonderful help in times of trouble. And that alone brings so much happiness!

#Reverb10 - Soul Food

Prompt for today:
Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth and touched your soul?

Hmm.... this is a little bit of a tricky question for me, especially because I am a little bit of a foodie. I have had many different meals, all meaning very different things for me. I will say that I had excellent food in France. For me, it was Mecca. I was in heaven there, all the spices, mustards, salts... it was wonderful.

So the place that touched my soul, at least in terms of food, would have to be Paris. Yum.

#Reverb10 - Photo

Prompt for today:

Photo - A Present for yourself. Sift through all the photos of your from the past year. Choose the one that best captures you; either who you are or who you strive to be. Find a shot that is worth a thousand words. Share the image. 

I'm going to share two images of myself. One from the beginning of 2010, one that reminds me of just how the year started. To me, it represents so many things that were bubbling under the surface last year. I had so much pain and strife in my life, so much angst and sorrow. But God, through his grace, showered me with his lovingkindness and healing. This picture perfectly captures the state of my heart at the time, bewildered and just empty. I was so emotionally exhausted from difficult circumstances in my life, there wasn't anything really left to give. I just felt poured out again and again. 

Isn't it amazing what a year can do? 

The second picture is from this summer, taken at Notre Dame in Paris. For me, this picture represents something quite powerful. Even though I don't hold to Catholic doctrine or religion at all, I do appreciate their commitment and dedication to the power of prayer. You may even recognize what is next to me - prayer candles. While I was in Europe, I had the fortune to visit many a cathedral. Many of them had prayer candles. For some reason, this stuck out to me while visiting Notre Dame. While daily prayer was still a part of my life, I actually lit one of these candles and praised the Lord for giving me the opportunity to heal and to travel. I thanked Him for healing me, for bringing me to this place. At the time the first picture was taken, my only prayer was to be able to feel again, to heal my heart. The Lord answered my prayer. And I became cognizant of that fact in Notre Dame, as I reflected on prayers past and present.

So this was my reminder that the Lord really does hear our prayers, big and small. Sometimes he doesn't answer them in the way that we would expect or like. But he does answer them. He does hear us. For me, that comforts me beyond all reason. I prayed for something quite insignificant in the grand scale of things. And the Lord was so gracious to me. I really am so so thankful.

p.s. Merry Christmas to all! I'm going to take time today to meditate on the word made flesh, with the result being Christ's sacrifice for me and my sin. Jesus didn't just come to give us warm fuzzies, he came to break our chains of sin and to set us free. That baby in the manger grew up, with every intention of laying down his life so that I wouldn't have to. And that is the sweetest gift of all.

#Reverb10 - Everything's Okay

Prompt for today:
Everything's Okay. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I really don't think that there were any specific moments in which I knew that "everything" would be okay. And to be realistic, everything in life isn't okay. I think that's the way it's supposed to be. Nothing is ever perfect or figured out. No one has all of their "stuff" together, at least not from where I'm standing.

There's something healthy about being afraid and a wee bit scared. For me, life isn't life without the unknown or some level of uncertainty. I'm a fan of adventure, even if it does scare me.

Sunset tonight in PA. Gorgeous, right? Photo was completely un-retouched.

#Reverb10 - New Name

Prompt for today:
New Name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

Hmm... I never really thought about this before. And to be honest, I really never thought of myself by any other name. Nothing really "fits", except the name that I've been given. I am, and have always been, a Jessica. The only thing that may change is the last name, if I ever do get married. But since that isn't on the table at the moment, I'm just fine with my last name too.

#Reverb10 - Travel

Prompt for today:
Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

Well, 2010 was a year of travel for sure. At the present, I'm based out of Los Angeles. I'm a student there and my life, for the moment, is at UCLA. However, I have traveled quite a bit this year. I was born and raised in the Philadelphia area, so I've flown back and forth for holidays and summer. In the US, I visited Washington DC and Louisville, as well as Palm Springs.

I also had the ability to travel internationally as well. I went to England and France. Specifically, I was in the cities of Stratford-Upon-Avon, London, and Paris. I had a fantastic time and learned so so much. There's nothing more that I love than traveling internationally. It was such a blessing to have this opportunity, something that I savored.

And in 2011, I'm going to try and return. As many know, I'm applying to a teaching program in France. So, we'll see if relocating to Europe is apart of my future. And even if I don't get accepted, I don't see any sort of end to my travel plans. I'm even considering some graduate programs in England. Who knows where I'll end up?

#Reverb10 - Future Self

Prompt for today:
Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? What would you tell yourself 10 years ago?

Future Self to Present:
I would tell myself that I shouldn't be so worried, that life won't be so complicated as I like to believe that it is. I'm making big decisions and yes, they will change my life. But they won't define me. My life is much more than a graduate degree or an address on a letter. I would like it to include a husband and family, hopefully one day. But in five years, almost anything can happen. I think I'd tell myself to be more flexible, to roll with the punches and enjoy the small things in life.

Honestly, life is complicated enough without adding my worries into it. I think I need to enjoy the ride from time to time, stopping to savor fleeting moments as they run by.

Present self to 13-year old Jessica:
(sigh) Grow up. Life gets better and you'll find people who "get" it. You'll hit your stride in college, I promise.

#Reverb10 - Beyond Avoidance

Prompt for today:
Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were to scared, worried, unsure, busy, or otherwise deterred from doing?

Hmm... I don't really look at my year in terms of things that I was too scared to do. Usually, I'm a pretty brave person. If there's something that I want to try, I'll do it. But I will say this, I think that I was a lot less consistent with my Bible reading than usual, due to a high volume of school work. It really is a horrible habit, something that doesn't benefit my spiritual life at all. So in 2011, I want to make it even more of a priority.

Disclaimer: I know this post is short. It's Christmas. (yawn)

#Reverb10 - Healing

Prompt for today:
Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

I know the answer to that question. The one and only reason that I am healed comes through the power of Christ's blood for me. Without my Savior, I am lost and nothing. Jesus didn't just come to heal my heartaches and sad days, he came to save me from the power of sin and death. So in a sense, Christ healed me through his mercy and lovingkindness, via the Church and wonderful Godly friends. But He did a much greater thing for me when He laid down his life for me, a sinner. I did nothing to deserve his grace and mercy. In fact, I was running the other way! But God saw fit to save me, even from myself. Sacrificially, He gave his Son to be the eternal payment for my sins, my wrongs, my transgressions. Because of Christ's overwhelming love and sacrifice, I have peace with God. I have freedom from sin and death. I have power over the grave, through Jesus.

So, friends. This is healing. It's not a yoga class or some goddess weekend camping in the woods. Healing isn't introspection or reading more intuitive books. It doesn't come with human affections. Healing isn't permanent, at least not the kind that people can offer. The only true healing comes from Christ Jesus, through what He did at Calvary. The goal of my life is to reflect this truth, to share His mercy and grace in my life in every facet of my being. By becoming a slave for Christ, I have more freedom than I ever thought possible.

And as for 2011 and the years to come, I am confident that Christ reigns supreme over all. He has showered my life with lovingkindness in 2010, showing me his mercy. I have no reason to doubt him. So I step into this new year amazed and grateful. Praise the Lord!

#Reverb10 - Try

Prompt for today:
Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something that you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you went for it?

In 2010, I tried something new, something that I've always wanted to try but never really got around to it. I got into the sport of rock-climbing and bouldering. This sport had been really intriguing to me in the past and I really respected the people who climbed often. They seemed so strong, treating their bodies and nature with respect. I know that sounds a little bit crunchy... but I really think that being in nature, coupled with some awesome exercise looked appealing.

So, I tried it. At UCLA, there's an amazing indoor rock wall that is free to all students. In order to use it, you have to take an introductory class for a few hours. So, I decided to be brave and enrolled. As a result, I learned some amazing tricks, tips, climbing knots, and got to know some friends at the wall. From then on, I got belay certified (a type of climbing certification) and began climbing a few times a week. I even got a little bag of chalk to hang around my waist, to give my hands some traction on the wall! (See? I'm totally legit now!) Unfortunately, I haven't gone climbing in over five weeks, with the craziness of finals, papers, and traveling. Hopefully when I get back to school, I'll get back into the swing of things.

As for 2011, I really want to experiment more with photography. As many of you know, I dabble in professional photography. I've shot weddings, families, couples, etc. But that's been on the back burner for a while, due to the demands of school. It's really a shame, because I really do love it. In 2011, I really want to try shooting with film. I mean, I know how to and I've done it in the past. But I want to make it even more of an emphasis. I especially like black and white film, its depth and texture. And who knows, maybe I'll post some film up here some time.

#Reverb10 - Lesson Learned

Prompt for today:
Lesson Learned. What was the best thing that you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I have to say, I honestly learned that I was fragile in 2010. All of my life, I've been called the "strong one" and was told that I had a thick skin, that I was a tough girl. I believed it too. I managed to move through life pretty unaffected by various and sundry things. I wasn't one to show my vulnerability or my scars. I believed that life wasn't about crying or being sad. Getting up and dusting yourself off was just easier. In fact, my motto for life was "just keep it simple, stupid". And I honestly thought I could sustain that kind of a pace.

This past year, I learned that my emotions had limitations and boundaries. As hard as I tried, I couldn't just "get up" and "move along". Honestly, I've cried more this year than I ever have before in my life - this coming from a girl who never really cried or got emotional over anything. Ever. I never thought I'd be the type to have a heartbreak or crushing defeat but there I stood, a 22 year old junior in college, feeling a very real emotional rift. All of my emotional walls came tumbling down with a bang. The measures that I had put in place to protect myself caved in.

And you know what? It was a good thing. I learned that I have limitations, that I feel pain and emotions more deeply than I realized. It took years and years of building up barriers and they were knocked down in an instant. It's a frightening thing, a vulnerable feeling, to be so exposed to someone. But it's a healing thing and a positive thing at the same time. I've learned that being transparent, especially to my girlfriends, is a wonderful gift. To have people that I trust, that means so much to me! Being vulnerable isn't always being weak. Sometimes when you show your weaknesses, it's a sign of strength.

#Reverb10 - Friendship

Prompt for Today:
Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was the change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I'm kind of torn how to answer this prompt. I have really godly, amazing, beautiful girlfriends who have gone above and beyond in my book, who deserve blog posts all their own. And I love them. I really really do. But sometimes, the lack of a friendship changes everything, in both positive and negative ways. Those who are close to me know the specific ways in which I have been affected by this. There are things that I'm not going to mention publicly, but working through a lot of issues of this nature has taught me a lot.

In some way, you never really get over the loss of a friend. I'm not referring to a physical death, but the end of the relationship. And it's changed my perspective by making me realize that the Lord is a constant companion and friend who never leaves or forsakes. This year has taught me to have joy in pain, peace in all circumstances. I learned to rest my heart in the promises of the gospel. I'm not going to say that I'm angry or that I'm hateful or bitter - I'm none of those things. I see that the Lord has everything in my life for good. Sometimes, it's just time to walk away, never look back, and trust that God has the future perfectly planned.

The change in loosing a friend is both immediate and drawn out. In some ways, it's like dealing with an actual physical death. There is separation, there is a sense of loss. You grieve. But there are things that linger, things that take time to pass. Most of this process is about waiting it out. You ride the waves of emotion until the storm passes. You pray for strength in days that you don't feel like leaving the comfort of your bed. You rejoice in the littlest of blessings that come your way. Every day has its own trials, unique and new.

I'm not going to say that I don't think about the situation from time to time or wish that it had gone differently. But it is what it is. I can't change the past, I can't keep playing the "what-if" game. To be honest, I think the Lord was gracious and kind to me in allowing this friendship to dissolve. The Lord shows his kindness through means that sometimes aren't "obvious" as you're going through them. When I look back on what has transpired, I feel gratitude that I'm not in that situation anymore, feeling the way that I did. Now, I mean in no way to put down the individual of whom I speak, as that person was (and is, in some way) a huge part of my life. But the time had come, as much as I resisted it. I hold no ill will at all. Actually, I want their life to be bigger, better, brighter, more full of blessings. I want them to be happy, really truly happy. For this person, I want only good things.

So yeah. Friendship changes things, in different sorts of ways. Sometimes, the most horrible and nightmare-ish circumstances work out the glory of God. It's funny how life works out. You'd think that at age 23, I'd have some sort of grip on it. I'm quickly finding out that my knowledge is incredibly limited. Somehow, that's a comforting thought.

#Reverb10 - 5 Minutes

Prompt for today:
5 Minutes. Imagine you will lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember at 2010.

To be honest, there's a lot of stuff that I want to forget about 2010. If I had an erase button, I'd totally use it. But what I do want to remember is this: the Lord is always faithful and He always keeps his promises. I want to remember my trip to England and Paris. So... those are some highlights.

Well... I take that back. I don't want to erase all of my healing in 2010. Now 2009.... I wish I could erase THAT year. Ugh. Too much emotional stuff went down. Glad it's all over and done with. Nails are in the coffin and life is looking a whole lot less painful/strained/angsty. So... the Lord does wonderful things through (sometimes) painful means. It's amazing to look back, seeing my heart in retrospect. God is gracious, lemme tell ya.

#Reverb10 - Appreciate

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

This year has been really difficult for me, for a variety of reasons. There have been ups and downs, trials and victories, tears and laughter. Even through the saddest days, I have been learning to appreciate what is my most constant source of joy: the gospel. 

The Lord has been so wonderfully gracious to me through this past year, shown me his lovingkindness even though I was undeserving. I can truly say that his year has brought me to a sweet place of dependence upon the Lord, in reference to future and all the myriad of changes that it will bring. But to fully appreciate the gospel is to understand it, something that I have yet to completely encapsulate. 

The flip side of appreciation is to express gratitude. Sometimes I rack my brain, how does one show gratitude for lovingkindness such as that? How can I even begin to say "thank you" to the Lord for all the gifts that I have received?

The answer is (kinda) simple. I just try. Everyday, I aim to give my savior the glory and honor he deserves. And I fail. Miserably. But my grateful heart isn't dependent in perfect worship. It's reactionary. And even though I don't give God perfect worship, the point is that I try. And even in my imperfections, I am able to see more clearly the loving heart of my heavenly Father, who covers my sin with Christ's blood. And that is worth all the praise in the world. 

#Reverb10 - Action

Prompt for today:

Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I’ve always been an “action” sort of girl. If something needs to get done, I’m going to (try) and do it. Take school, for example. If a paper’s due, I’ll start writing it 4 weeks before the due date. There's something about crossing that finish line with time to spare... It's a great feeling. But in general, I like to think that I have a pretty decent response to things that need to “get done”.

But ideas, those are different things. Ideas don’t have a “due date” or any particular sort of measurable beginning. It’s up to me to make these ideas into some sort of tangible reality. When I think of a great idea like my career path or goals for the future, things can get a little bit overwhelming. These are huge ideas, goals, aspirations, etc with no determinable "path". I begin by determining what the goal is. I also try to determine the most important parts of this particular goal. Then, I make a plan. And the most difficult part? I have to stick to the plan and just do it.

But that only goes so far. Without the help and guidance of the Lord, I can't do anything. He plans my steps and they may be different from the ones that I'd have chosen for myself. And sometimes, those plans are better than anything I could have possibly dreamed of.